It was July of 2018 and instead of being outside enjoying the warm sunshine along the Carolina coast, I was sitting in my oncologist’s office listening with dulled senses as he explained that my breast cancer from 2002 had returned. In addition to that, I had a massive tumor on my thyroid.
Within a month, surgeons removed the tumor, the thyroid and some nodes in my neck. However, the tumor had been growing undetected for so long that it had entangled itself in one of my vocal cords, paralyzing it. The doctors said it will never recover. My voice, that once did radio and television announcements, was reduced to a throaty, raspy, monotone whisper. Since then, the volume has increased slightly.
Because God knows what I’m thinking anyhow, I told Him I could accept the cancer and was even thankful He had given me 16 more years to spend time with family and friends; but what I didn’t understand was why I had to lose my voice. I went to doctors … six of them within a year … with the same complaint: I had a cough that wouldn’t go away. They all told me it was acid reflux and gave me a prescription for Prilosec. Had they done some scans earlier, they would have seen the tumor, removed it and probably saved my vocal cord and my voice. But that’s not how it played out. And I wasn’t happy.
In the kitchen a few months ago, God interrupted my whining to respond to my need-to-know plea.
God: Do you believe I am who I say I am?
Me: Yes. I believe you are the almighty God.
God: And do you believe I am the God of you?
Me: Yes.
God: Then if you truly believe I am God, and that I am the God of you, then you have to believe that this battle is mine. Not yours. And if you believe the battle is mine, then you must also believe the timeline is mine and I have you right where I want you.
Ouch!
It’s human nature to want to control circumstances or to at least understand what’s going on; but the bottom line is either we trust God, or we don’t.
We know that He causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT).
He is infinitely wise. We are not. So, we should find comfort in the fact that everything entering our lives is allowed or directed by our Heavenly Father, who is lovingly moving us toward the ultimate goal of conforming us to the image of His Son.
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in Yahweh with all your heart and mind and do not support yourself with your own understanding, but in your journey know Him and He will make your pathway smooth, straight or right. (Hebrew translation)
I don’t really need to understand why I lost my voice. I just need to believe the Great I Am wants me as I am, and it pleases Him when I trust in His wisdom. So, I will be content with what I have and where He has placed me (Hebrews 13:5), and I will be full of joy in the Lord (Philippians 4:4). Thankfully, I don’t need a voice to rejoice.