Melissa Small supports her husband, Rusty, in his ministry as a pastor at Liberty Baptist Church while raising her 2 boys, James and Thomas. She also serves as the women’s ministry leader and on the worship team at her church. She has a passion for women growing deeper in their knowledge of God’s Word and fostering a supportive Christian community among women. A doctorate in Education and Christian Leadership aids in accomplishing these goals through teaching, mentoring, and Bible study.
Growing up in a pastor’s home can come with both perceived and real pressures from various sources. There is often an unspoken expectation instilled in many minds somewhere down the line that pastor’s children can be held to a higher standard. As a pastor’s daughter, I carried the weight of those expectations into adulthood, ministry, and eventually early motherhood.
I believe this pressure on pastor’s families stems from a biblical standard placed on pastors to lead their homes well (1 Timothy 3:4–5). But the unintended outcome can be unrealistic expectations placed on children, expectations that exceed their developmental maturity and confuse spiritual growth with outward perfection.
Over time, God has graciously healed those wounds. He has shifted my focus away from perfection toward the simple, freeing truth that I am called to be a Christian first. His expectations of me are enough, and not more than I can bear, because He has given me His Spirit to help me (John 14:26; 2 Corinthians 12:9).
If I had embraced my limitations and weaknesses sooner, rather than trying to perfect them, I believe I would have experienced spiritual freedom much earlier. Instead, I spent years believing I had to carry the weight of my imperfections alone. Now, I can boast in my weaknesses so that Christ’s power can rest on me (2 Corinthians 12:9–10). Seeing the lie I embraced for so long helps me recognize and embrace God’s full truth today: it is not up to me.
Even though I still have moments of regression and have to work at reframing my mind in new scenarios, this shift fundamentally changed the way I parent. Instead of modeling perfection, I model repentance. I confess sin, ask my children for forgiveness, and remind them that we all desperately need God’s grace every day.
And God is bearing fruit in our family. I recently saw our oldest son praying fervently at a concert. When I later asked what he prayed for, he said, “I asked God to help me be a better boy for Him.” What a gift—to see God softening his heart creating his own desire for sanctification and teaching him that holiness is not achieved by effort alone, but by God’s grace and strength within us.
Freedom from performance allows focus on the joys in raising children in ministry. Our kids are afforded a front-row seat to the beauty of serving God’s people. They see us show up in times of need, like funerals, and times of joy, like weddings. They see their dad preach, teach, and lead. They see their mom attend Bible studies, lead worship, teach Sunday school, and bring meals to families. And they see us serve together at church community events—not out of obligation, but enthusiasm. They are also embraced by a church family
that loves them well. Gift cards, baked treats, and thoughtful gifts left in my husband’s office specifically for our children have given us opportunities to point to the kindness of God’s people and the blessing of belonging to His body.
God continues to show His faithfulness as our family seeks His kingdom together. When we shift our focus from self-sufficiency to Spirit-dependence, the pressure to perform gives way to praise of the one true King. Instead of burdening our souls with expectations we were never meant to carry, we get to behold the goodness of our Savior and give Him glory.
Here are some application points for us as ministry families:
- Model grace, not perfection: Confess, repent, and celebrate God’s mercy together.
- Invite children into ministry joyfully: “We get to serve because Jesus served us.”
- Build safe spiritual space at home: Encourage honesty, emotional expression, and dependence on God.
- Pray together for strength: “Lord, we need You today.”
- Celebrate church community: Notice and thank God for every kindness.
Protect rest and family rhythm: Ministry is a blessing, not a burnout badge.
We do not want to raise children believing they can never fail. We want to raise children who know how to fall into grace. Praise the Lord for the great things He has done and continues to do—in His church, through His gospel, and in our families as we raise the next generation for Christ!
